What Story Are Your Unread Books Trying To Tell?

You know that book? The one on your bookshelf, by your bed, in your spare room, in the box in your closet?  The book that snickers at you behind your back? Every so often you pick it up, just to see.  You read the first page and a half and then it goes back on the shelf. 

You decide to bring it with you on vacation, because the reason you're not reading it is because you never have time to read at home.  But the whole time you're away it stays zipped up in the front pocket of your suitcase, no hope of getting a tan, only to be dutifully unpacked when you get back home. Passed over once again for more Fifty Shades of the latest bestseller.

It stops snickering and starts to feel a little left out as the books around it are taken to the favorite chair, one by one.  Their pages mindlessly caressed as hair is twirled and their words are read. 

Every so often you think of letting it go, when you're moving, or dusting, but then you read the first page and a half again and think that it might be useful someday.  That someday you'll be the person, have the time, have the desire to commit to this book.

It's a good reference, despite the fact that it has never once been referred to in it's long life. So it goes back on the shelf, back to sleep. 

After awhile you stop seeing it.  It's part of the background, an extra with no lines.

It's not as if it came into your life by accident.  You chose this book.  You stood, your weight on one foot, leaning against the shelf, your finger tracing the embossed lettering on the cover as you read the first page and a half at your local bookstore.  You spent half an hour reading all the reviews on amazon and goodreads before adding it to your cart. 

It was recommended, your best friend loved it.  It changed her life!

What is it about these books?  I know there's more than one, there always is.  They form a little collection, a little library of their own.  There is no fear of the corners of their pages being creased or smudges accumulating on their shiny plastic covers.  No names and dates accumulating in the pocket in the back.

The books you buy and don't read.  Why is it so hard to let them go?

I have a theory.  Do you want to hear it?

My theory is that the books that you don't read are trying to tell you something.  They have a story to tell, but it's not the one that's between the pages. 

Will you do something for me?  Go over to your bookshelf and take a look at the books.  There are probably a number that you've carted around for awhile that you've just never gotten around to reading.  Go grab a few and then come back. 

A hint...  Take an especially good look at the books in these categories:  self help, creativity, non-fiction, travel, health, pretty coffee table books and cookbooks.  

I'm going to do it too, hold on just a sec...

So...  What did you find?  I'll show you mine, if you show me yours... 

Here are a couple that I found on my shelf:

1. ROCK AND ROLL WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE by Steve Almond
2. the WAR of ART: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield

And yours? 

"Ah yes...  I see...  How very, very interesting...  Lie down on the couch and I'll tell you all about your inner workings..."

This is my theory.  The books that you don't read, are trying to tell you about something that you want.  You may or may not be conscious of wanting it, but if you're honest, you do.  You really really want it. 

So, what do I want?  What will my books reveal?

Let's look at the first book, ROCK AND ROLL WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE by Steve Almond.  What does it mean?  Do I have a secret desire to be a rock star? 

I have a confession to make, I have always wanted to be a rock star!  I've dreamed of being on stage, with the lights, the moves and the screaming fans singing along.  I've bought domain names for pretend bands, jammed in garages with friends and even recorded a song or two.  I've been a super fan, a t-shirt wearing groupie and traveled many miles to see my favorite bands.  I have fantasies about being invited on stage to sing duets with my favorite stars. 

Even as a little girl, I used to lie in the bathtub with my ears under water and my white blonde hair a gorgeous floating crown while I sang all the ABBA songs I knew and pictured myself as the fifth member of their crew.  OK, so maybe, just maybe, I want Rock and Roll to save my life...  

What about the WAR of ART by Steven Pressfield?  What does it have to say?  Am I at war with art? 

In grade two I became convinced that I couldn't do art because I couldn't draw the bowl full of fruit our teacher plunked before us.  I made a decision that day that I would never draw again and started telling myself the story that I'm just not creative. 

I've done a lot of work on deconstructing those limiting beliefs.  I've drawn cows with crayons, taken writing classes, worn ill fitting artsy clothing and hitchhiked around Europe.  I'm not sure how much the last two helped, but the first two have shifted my self perception around "art" and my own creative process.  It's still a struggle though.  There's something I want, and I'm not totally getting it when it comes to creativity.  I do want to win the war.

When I've done this exercise in the past I've found books on money, success and procrastination.  When I've done this exercise with clients they've found books on Florence, Italy, having better sex, reading faster, improving vocabulary, healthy eating and clearing clutter.

You buy the book because, on a conscious or subconscious level, you want what the book is trying to sell.  You buy an exercise book because you want to feel different in your body.  You buy an organizational book because you want to feel different in your home and life.  

Books can change your life, there is no doubt about it.  But in order to change your life, you actually have to read them.

So you have two choices.  You can read the book or let it go. 

If you try, one last time, to read the book and you put it down again after the first page and a half, do yourself a favour. 

Let it go! 

Acknowledge that the book represents something that you want in your life and then let it go.  You're not letting go of the dream, you're just letting go of one of the things standing in between you and your dream.  

What am I going to do with my books?  I'm going to let go of rock and roll and give the WAR of ART one last go.  If I can't get past the first page and a half, don't worry, I'm letting it go.  Who knows, maybe this time next year I will have rocked my roll with the best of them and covered a canvas with cows.  I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. 

I'm so curious...  What did you find on your shelf?  What do you think it means?  Please, please, please let me know below and if you enjoyed this, please pass it along to any friends or family you think might have books they're just not reading.

Take care, 

Cecilia

ox

____

2014 Update:

I don't think I knew how powerful this exercise would be.  Within two weeks of letting go of ROCK AND ROLL WITH SAVE YOUR LIFE I was singing on stage with choir!choir!choir! in front of a packed house at the Bloor Cinema.  In the last two years, I can honestly say that rock and roll (among other genres) has totally saved my life in the form of choir.  It brings me so much joy every week and has given me incredible opportunities like the one I had this past March to sing with Tegan and Sarah at the Junos.  Here's a link to the video of that performance:

p.s. If you're reading this and you're not on my list, you should really get yourself on the list!  I send out a fun and useful email just about every week on clearing clutter and living life.  Just pop on over here to get on!  All the cool kids are doing it!

"What If I Need It?" - How To Address The Uncertainty of Clearing Clutter

Today I love facebook!  I have a love/hate relationship with facebook.  Basically, I love how it connects me to my friends and family, but I hate when it sucks me into a black hole of cute kitten videos and political debates.  One cute kitten or one good article is great, 20 is bad... 

Lately I've been using Leechblock (a great free tool to regulate your Internet usage) in order to stay off of facebook during the times that I really should be working. This means that I'm on there a lot less than I used to be, but it also means that some interesting things can happen while I'm unavailable. 

Today, my friend Tammy posted a clutter question on my wall (something that happens as a clutter coach), and before I had a chance to answer, two of my friends jumped in with great answers to her question.  I wanted to weigh in too, but seeing as it's not time for me to be on facebook, I thought I would share her question, and my answer with you.

"OK, I have a palm sander.  I used it once or twice about 10 years ago.  So, should I get rid of it?  But I might need it.  I might have to sand something.  What if I get rid of it and then find I need it next month?  That's happened to me before.  Here's another one.  I love these clothes and maybe I'll fit into them one day.  The thing about decluttering is the fear goes like, 'Am I making a mistake?  Will I regret this?'  Cecilia, any suggestions on how to deal with this?" 

Dear Tammy,
This is a good one!  These are very common questions that come up when we're clearing clutter:

• What if I need it?
• What if I get rid of it and then find I need it next month?
• Am I making a mistake?
• Will I regret this?

In a way, it's kind of your job to ask these questions.  Remember, there is a part of you getting something out of the clutter and it's going to fight to the death to make sure that you hold onto it.  It can also be very convincing.  

First things first.  You want to be clear on your reasons for clearing clutter.  Because part of you is getting something out of it, you want to have a really good reason to let go.  What are you making space for? 

I also want to look at this practically.  Let's look at the palm sander, and let's look at the facts.  You've had it for over 10 years and you've used it twice.  TWICE!  If you had a friend who only contacted you twice in the last 10 years, would you consider them a close friend?  Would you ask them to come and live with you? 

It's important to make a distinction between things that you may/might/could/should use, and things that you actually use.  In this life! To be fair, tools fall under a different category, because we're not always drilling or sawing things, but the fact that it hasn't been used in 10 years indicates that maybe you're just not all that into palm sanding things anymore. 

You have to be honest with yourself!

I guess what I am curious to know is, how does it feel when you look at, or better yet, hold the sander?  Do you feel excited by all the things you could get to sanding?  Or, do you feel a bit of guilt or lethargy when you're reunited with your old friend?  Ask yourself how you feel!  The key is in the feeling.  

This is something that is important to note.  What do you think holding onto things from a place of fear and panic creates?  That's right, more fear and panic.  You hold on, because you're afraid that you're going to need it, that you're making a mistake if you let it go.  But what you're really holding onto is the fear and the panic, the very emotions you wanted to avoid. 

There are no guarantees in life.  It's true, if you let go of your sander it's altogether possible that you may need it in the future.  In fact, if you truly believe that you're going to need it after you let it go, your subconscious is totally capable of coming up with a great reason why you really need it the day after you wake up without it (says Karen Kingston). 

But then again, our subconscious is really great at doing this with unsavory ex-boyfriends, crappy friends and bad jobs too. 

On the more practical side of things, Kevin on facebook made a great point that you could probably sell it and rent one if you need it in the future.  That approach doesn't work quite as well with ex-boyfriends, friends and jobs, but there are always new ones of those to be had.  

The clothes...  Well, I've covered that before, but let me review.  Again, it's important to go back to the feeling.  How do the clothes make you FEEL?  Do they make you feel good in your body, good in your skin?  Or, do they make you feel kind of crappy about yourself?

Nick on facebook made this very good point.  He asks the question, "Well what could happen if I DID get rid of this stuff?" and comes back to that great old quote about how it's worse to do nothing than to make a mistake.  Life = change!

Tammy, this is what I want you to do.  When these questions come up, just ask yourself this:

"If this item were a friend, would I invite her to stay with me for a month or two?  How do I feel when I'm around her?  Does she champion me and my dreams, or does she bring me down?"

And remember, if you're holding on only out of guilt, anxiety or fear, what you're really holding onto are all of those emotions you'd rather not feel. 

I hope this helps! 
ox
Cecilia
----------
Now for YOU!  Are you holding onto something because you're afraid you might need it someday?  What would happen if you let it go? Do you really need it or are you just afraid/worried/anxious that you might?  You know that I want to hear all about it in the comments below.  

Take care, 
Cecilia
ox

Could Fear Be Your Most Helpful Friend?

I received an email on facebook recently that surprised me in the most delightful way.  I thought you might be interested in reading it, so I asked, and received permission, to share it with you. 

But first, there's something I need to tell you.

I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I used to run Cuddle Parties here in Toronto (I retired my pajamas January 2011). Becoming a Cuddle Party facilitator was something that took much fear busting, and many firsts to attain.

Lots of sitting sweaty and nervous in my pjs.  In NYC at my first party (which also happened to be my first time on the radio). In Santa Monica, California three weeks later at the facilitators training. In my living room a few weeks after that to facilitate my first party. In a room, a month later, at the Ontario Legislature (of all places!) with a big TV camera, a guy named Mike and questions from CTV News at Noon in my ear. That first time on TV, I wore my best blouse, but later that year I did wear my pjs on TV in the halls at the CBC.

Cuddle Party consistently pushed me into my un-comfortable-zone. 

But it wasn't all sweaty flannel and clammy palms. After every moment of fear, came moments of elation, of affection, of friendship, of believing in myself.  Every time I stepped into that oochy, ack, eek place, I came through knowing that could do more and be more.

It felt like a very personal struggle with fear, something I was doing to push my own limits, but the beautiful thing about facing fears, is that sometimes it has unexpected consequences beyond our own sweaty armpits and expectations.

Here's the email that showed up in my inbox, that made all those eek, argh, OMG moments even more worth it.

"Hi Cecilia! You likely won't remember me as we met a few years ago. I just wanted to thank you for the cuddle parties you once hosted. I came in as a very socially isolated person with severe social anxiety and various trust and touch issues.

Since attending one of your cuddle parties about two years ago my life has radically changed. By facing one of my biggest fears in life I was able to tackle other less scary interactions and can now say I am no longer socially isolated and quite happy. My touch issues have mostly been resolved as well. 

I just felt the need to share this progress with you as you facilitated one of the most important events of my life without knowing it. Months later I recommend a new friend also try the attending a party and he too had a similar result. I would just like to thank you for your work as it has been much appreciated."

Wow! Receiving this email was such a beautiful reminder to me that when you face your fears something incredible can happen, not only in your life, but perhaps in the lives of others. And you may never know what a difference you made. 

What if, the author of the lovely email above had caved to her very real fears and social anxiety?  How did her choice to walk through the veil of fear change not only her life, but her friend's life as well?

What if, on that sunny February day seven years ago I had listened to my fear and sat outside that Soho yoga studio instead of going in to my first Cuddle Party? How did that choice change my life and the lives of others?

When I think of how many incredible things came from that one choice, that one moment of being brave and facing a huge fear, my mind begins to boggle. 

All the people I met, the friends I have, the hundreds of people who faced their own fears and showed up at parties, the friendships formed, the relationships created, the experiences had, and yes, the lives changed.

When you face a BIG fear, somehow, all the little fears are easier to tackle, like it was for the dear author of that email. She did one thing that really, really scared her and then, suddenly, all those smaller fears were much more manageable.  "If I did THAT, then surely I can do this!"

Fear is my compass. If I'm afraid of it, it's likely the thing I need to do above all others.

There is something that you're afraid of, I'm sure of it. 

• What is it? 
• What would it take for you to face it? 
• What's the most amazing thing that could happen if you do?
• What is there to lose if you don't?
• How could your life change?
• What is one thing that you can do TODAY to face that fear?

You know that I want to hear all about it in the comments below, and if you have a friend who needs just a little nudge toward that delicious edge of fear, please pass this along.

Take care, 
Cecilia
ox 


p.s.*What's a Cuddle Party?  Basically it's a pajama party for grownups and a place to learn about communcation, boundaries and to give and receive affectionate touch.  What!?  I know, I thought it was a little wacky the first time I heard about it too. At the time I was single, not looking, and really wishing I could find someone who was just interested in a little spooning. You can hear a very nervous Cecilia on the radio documentary that my friend Barbara made for CBCs Definitely Not the Opera, of our trip to NYC.  A big first for her too!